An Autumn Song

Here I am, nearly a year after my last post, and once again shocked at how time has gone by. I remember typing out the last blog post like it was yesterday. A lot has happened during that span, a lot of lessons learned, and thankfully a lot of progress has been made. I don’t really have a particular topic in mind for this post other than just rambling, to refresh things up a bit along with this crisp autumnal transition we are experiencing in Illinois. The scent of autumn breeze feels very nostalgic to me.

Last week at 37 weeks of pregnancy, I washed all the gender-neutral baby clothes. We’ve always kept the sex of the baby hidden until the moment of birth. I had initially planned to wait until at least 38 weeks of pregnancy to wash everything but I felt called to do it last week and get it over with. Or maybe this baby will arrive earlier than my previous three. Who knows? I don’t. I have no particular expectations. Just some ideas, and hopes and prayers. Trust. Some excitement for sure; being blessed with three incredible children, we do wonder what song this soul will sing.

This pregnancy was rough. I never thought I would tell myself that I need to prepare for this baby as our last child. In the past my husband and I have told each other that if we were to not have any other children after our last third, we would still be content, but I never told myself that maybe I should prepare myself in a way as though this is our last. I have just hit rock bottom several times during this pregnancy, not to underestimate that other women have experienced much more difficult situations in their pregnancies. It’s just felt difficult many moments, and I communicated to our baby that they are welcome, and it’s not about the baby in question. Still, with all of that, this has just been a thought and a feeling I haven’t felt before. It would be dumb to assume that there’s definitely not going to be additional team members joining our family after our fourth, maybe unless we did some serious surgical interventions which we aren’t planning on doing. I just can’t really know. However, in the current circumstances, I want to intend that this is our last for a while to come, and be ok with the thought that it may be the last.

My reason for wanting to consider that this be our last is because I want to be able to mother the children that I have in the ways that I believe are best without overburdening myself and thus not being able to put into practice those ideals as much as possible. I can only give so much, and given that we have such strange family structures in this modern time as well as a lack of community where we currently live, I have felt depleted too many times in the recent months. I envision mothering as being the earth from which plants grow and are nurtured, and if the earth is in a small limited container, or if it is not nourished as a part of a larger, healthy environment, it can only nurture so many plants.

Around the time we were having our third, my mother has voiced her concern about how the world is no longer safe enough to bring additional children to, and life is hard and children get more difficult as they grow and their problems grow with them and that maybe three was a good stop. I am paraphrasing. But the emphasis was on how the world is less safe now. I didn’t resonate with that and I still don’t. Not that the world is not safe but that it is less safe now. There always was danger, except that dangers have only shifted in form. This is where conscious parenting comes into place, to be on guard and better protect our family and ourselves. I don’t think there ever was a good time to not be parenting consciously, or simply living life consciously anyway. I am lucky that my husband and I are frequently assessing how we are doing in terms of parenting, how we can improve and what’s working well. We see each of our children as a unique individual, with their own set of talents and special qualities that enrich our family as a whole. We are frequently discussing and trying to make sense of challenges related to the surrounding society and how that relates to our family. We don’t hesitate to express love and admiration in the presence of our children, and our children know that they are safe with us.

Having said all of this, my heart has ached many times knowing what lies ahead of my children; heart break, hurt, pain, loss. All that life naturally brings. And then worrying over their safety and all the potential dangers and craziness out there. Each comes with their own journey, and I can only do so much. Love, pray and surrender. Recognize that there is a greater Protector than me, One who loves them more than me.

A few weeks ago as we were leaving the farmer’s market, Zaynab (6.5) asked me if Allah has secrets, and I told her He did. She then proceeded to ask if prophets had secrets and I said, yes they do, between them and Allah. And then she said she wished she had secrets too. I told her that while we believe prophecy has come to an end with the message of Sayyidina Muhammad, there are friends of Allah, awliyah, who also have secrets and that the Qur’an says about them, no fear nor sadness befalls them, and that they could also aspire to be of the awliyah of Allah. As we continued our drive home, Zaynab asked me if I were from the awliyah. I chuckled and as I tried to answer her question in an appropriate manner, I overheard Abubakr (4.5) tell her “No, she isn’t, because she has fear that we will get hurt.”

Grateful for motherhood and its beautiful lessons in moments of presence.

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