Tag: islam

Mothering & Resistance

Bismillah.

My youngest turned two last weekend, alhamdulillah. I remember when my eldest turned seven last year, and we’re told that there are some critical years in a person’s life. Like their first three years, and how safe and loved they were made to feel in those years, and also the first seven years. And I recall watching her from a distance with gratitude filling my heart, that she was completing her seven years as a wholesome child. I find myself feeling thankful once again that my youngest is now two and is already forming full sentences, understands three languages, has opinions of her own, and is just the blossom of our family.

Reflecting on all these blessings made me want to share a few things:

~ Motherhood will be one of the most triggering experiences. It will bring out your most vulnerable states, the ugly truths, day in and day out. Unlike other testing relationships, it won’t be as easy not to face those truths, to simply cut off the relationship and run away. We cannot simply leave our children. Either, we end up hurting our children, intentionally or not, or we decide to face those truths and take it as an opportunity to transform ourselves for the sake of our own good as well as that of our children. Whether we accept it or not, we are role models for our children, and we can’t simply hope that our children will have good role models without first implementing those desirable attributes in our own lives. The aim is not to reach perfection. We are human, we err and we have to recognize and reconcile with that. What we need to do though is be conscious in our actions. Are we trying our best to live up to what we want our children to learn and implement? Or are we going to just wait for their school or someone else to take care of that?

~ The level of violence and violations we have been witnessing on our mobile phones should not prevent us from fulfilling our responsibilities towards our children. Our commitment to raising them to be as healthy as possible in mind, body and soul is an act of resistance in itself. If we believe that we are part of one nation, the ummah, we are in this together and this is a collective struggle. Of course we must still extend our support to brothers & sisters in Gaza and elsewhere, whether it’s in terms of financial support, sharing their messages, speaking out against oppressors and simply making du’a. We need to not forget for a moment that we are a part of the same body. But we must not lose sight of our duties, for the sake of the ummah. We know who benefits from us being in a dysfunctional state. Not the ummah. Our relationship with Allah, purification of the heart, maintaining silat ar-rahm (womb ties; family ties), helping those in need in our immediate vicinities, our dedication to raising empathetic, principled, disciplined, unapologetic Muslim children despite all the pushback from society, from left and right, sometimes even from our own family is our resistance to this oppression (a little side tangent: the word for oppression in Arabic is dhulm ظلم and the Arabic word for darkness shares the same root as oppression — darkness doesn’t exist on its own but it is a lack of something else i.e. light, and oppression is when there is no adherence to truth and justice. The further one is away from truth, mercy and justice amongst other qualities, the closer they are to being in a state of oppression in its different levels.)

The way we raise our children and how much we work on ourselves & our relationship with our Lord is a significant part of our role in this collective liberation. This reminds me of something I often think about… most of the Prophets peace and blessings be upon them all challenged the status quo, the norms of the society they were sent to. The Qur’an informs us that there has been no messenger except that he was mocked, and they never sought out a reward in response to their call. So I don’t know if there ever will be a time where some form of resistance is not required of us. It is a lifelong struggle, and if there is no outside force, there will always be an internal force, that which lies within ourselves. Renew your intentions every day. Insert an intention for the sake of Allah even in the most mundane acts. Remind yourself of our Master Muhammad ﷺ and his concern for us.

~ This last point took me a while to put into words as I was struggling to get my point across. I still think it could have been better put, but I hope it makes sense overall.

Raising children is demanding and children themselves are demanding. So naturally, we want to meet those demands and pay attention to every detail, trying to perform at peak level, whether it relates to their eating, sleeping, getting physical activity, education. You name it. It’s endless and constant, and sometimes feels discouraging when you don’t feel like there is enough acknowledgement of your sacrifices, all that thought and time that goes into everything. And we know that children need attention, and we tie their need for attention with how we are meeting their demands. What truly nurtures them though, is individual, undivided attention, and truly being present with them, even for as little as 20-30 minutes a day. We are present with them through other daily activities, obviously. Especially homeschooling parents are with their children throughout most of the day. What I mean is conscious presence. Truly connecting with them in a present state. Locking eyes with them, hearing them out without rushing them, giving them a heartfelt hug, playing a game, wrestling with them. And most importantly, making du’a for them, inwardly as well as out loud. These are the moments that will stick with them for the rest of their lives.

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Take a breath.

Since the hardcore attempt at exterminating our brothers and sisters began over one year ago, I haven’t stopped thinking about them, I haven’t stopped myself from indulging in vulnerable videos just so that I can open my heart to feeling a glimpse of their pain and trials, and I wish every day that I were by their side. Yet I haven’t mentioned anything on my blog, because honestly I am often lost for words, and because I don’t believe I have anything better to offer than what many others – especially those in Gaza right now – have been saying, shouting, as well as many genuine historians and thinkers over the years, for those who are truly seeking truth.

This evening, the videos of the flames engulfing the tents with people burning inside, my loved ones helplessly screaming has left really heavy tension in my body. The weight of my shoulders is unbearable. I kept wanting to share the videos as though everyone on my feed already sharing them was not enough, with many curse words directed at the most wicked scum of the earth, beseeching Allah for His infinite hellfire upon those responsible and upon those who are cheering them along. Then I stopped myself. I needed to take a breath, and I needed to ground my heart. Not for myself, but also for my brothers and sisters. So that I can at least do the least; to pray for them and for the ummah with a present heart. For those going through unimaginable trials. Every time they experience something, I tell myself there can possibly be nothing worse than this, and yet again, they endure more and more and more.

So I put my phone away, and I boiled some water and I made some tea… I made a simple mix of meadowsweet and peppermint for a gentle lift, and I prayed ‘isha while it steeped. My batch of meadowsweet is mostly leaves so it isn’t really that sweet, but I like it anyway. Another lovely combination would be lemon balm and mint, or lemon balm and rose… and to sip it without looking at imagery, without listening to anything. To take full breaths in between each sip, and sit upright. Preparing tea can be ritualistic in itself, if done mindfully. It can slow you down, ground you, and the intentionality behind which plants you are choosing can add to the depth of it. You don’t have to know all the benefits behind the plant you are choosing. Pick one that you often feel drawn to, one you enjoy smelling. And honestly, tea bags can do too if that’s what you have and that’s what you like.

I know feelings of guilt and of helplessness has afflicted those of us who care about the ummah. It is a good thing to feel heartache, to let your heart crack open so that light can enter. We must take care though not to let hopelessness overcome us, and time is crucial, to speak and stand firm against injustice, to use our wealth in supporting our brothers and sisters, yes, but to also strengthen our imaan, to work on our relationship with Allah, to come back to what we have neglected all along, and to take care of our health, physical and mental. Eat wholesome foods while Allah has blessed us with access to it, with the intention of taking care of our body which is an amana (a trust) from our Creator. At the beginning of the war, a Gazan mother warned us moms (and everyone) outside of Gaza from neglecting our duties and our caring and rearing our children and our families and ourselves by spiraling into despair from getting caught up in all the imagery of suffering. The suffering is there and it is valid, but it is not the whole picture. Their resilience and their unwavering faith in Allah is also there.

Say, ‘O Allah, Lord of all Sovereign Power: You give power to whomever You will, and wrest power from whomever You will; and exalt whomever You will and abase whomever You will; in Your hand is all good, Verily You have absolute power over everything.’ 3:26

For some of us Muslims, what's happening is not simply a question of advocating for Palestine as a sovereign nationstate. It is about the ummah at large, and our Palestinian brothers and sisters in faith are an extension of the ummah, our shared body. The lands once trodden by Prophets poisoned, burned, violated to no end by the very same people who claim absolute ownership of it. Allah is Malik al Mulk. In every sense of the meaning, all this vile oppression we have been witnessing on livestreams is a violation of all that is deemed sacred by Allah subhaanahu wa ta'ala.

Abdullah ibn Umar reported: I saw the Messenger of Allah ﷺ circling around the Ka’bah and saying, “How pure you are and how pure is your fragrance! How great you are and how great is your sanctity! By the One in whose hand is the soul of Muhammad, the sanc tity of the believer is greater to Allah than your sanctity, in his wealth, his life, and to assume nothing of him but good.”
Sunan Ibn Mājah 3932

May these trials bring us all liberation of the soul. May Allah bring an end to the suffering of our brothers and sisters; may they be guarded and aided by the angels and Sayyidina Jibreel, their hearts comforted and their bodies strengthened, may He admit those who have passed into the highest heavens, and may Allah forgive those of us who have fallen into an incapacitated state, guide us to do whatever we can do for the ummah, starting with ourselves and our families.

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Gratitude & Breaking the Parenting Cycle

Beautiful Islamic Calligraphy by Turkish calligrapher Hanifi Dursun (Instagram @hanifidursunn); ”Heaven lies at the feet of your mothers.” — Prophet Muhammad ﷺ

In the Qur’an, in Surah Luqman verse 14, we are enjoined to give thanks to God, and to give thanks to our parents immediately thereafter. It is as though they go hand in hand.

Some of us are blessed with supportive, truly loving parents who tried, to the best of their ability and knowledge at the time, to raise us as balanced, righteous individuals. We felt their genuine love & protection and no amount of due thanks is sufficient. On the other hand, some others may not have felt the same amount of love and support, while others are neglected, guilt tripped, black mailed, manipulated, and even abused, emotionally or physically, by the very people who were responsible for their protection & nurturing. I can’t speak for those individuals as I can’t understand their pain, nor am I a counsellor. All I can say is that one thing is clear; they were not in any way responsible for their mistreatment.

Even with parents, we have to set boundaries if there is harm involved. In Islam, respect to parents and their good pleasure is invaluable but this does not include obedience in things that are forbidden in the religion and therefore displeasing to God, and it does not include unhealthy relationship dynamics that hurt you in any shape or form. It has to be solved, either through honest dialogue or through distancing and protecting yourself if there is no other alternative. For people who have had severely hurtful experiences, I pray to God that He nurtures your heart with His love and care and fills it with serenity. Some things you may consider doing is reading His 99 Names and reflecting on their meanings. He is our true Guardian, Giver of Peace, Bestower of Favours, the Most Appreciative, the Most Loving and Gentle, our Guide. Send abundant salawat (prayers) on the Prophet Muhammad, who cared about us before he could meet us more than anyone you can imagine, and reflect on how with every salawat we draw nearer to him & we receive tons of blessings. Reflect on what those blessings could be.. protection, healing, peace. Our Prophet cares deeply for each and every one of us. He prayed for us at each prayer. Your salawat on him is a means of prayer for him and just like praying for anyone else brings you closer to that person, praying on the Prophet brings you closer to him.

Going back to most relationships with parents, even with healthier dynamics, we’ll have clashes from time to time. We are unique individuals from different generations. There may be generational trauma that your parents carried with them and things they may have gone through that will inevitably reflect on you. In the Book of Assistance, Imam al-Haddad cautions parents to be easy on their children. If we are parents ourselves, we need to reflect on how we can form a healthier, safer bond with our children without driving them away and without abusing our rights over them. Reflect on your upbringing and use it as a tool to do better yourself, to improve yourself, and to break the cycle instead of putting all your energy towards blaming your parents for their shortcomings and the impacts of those shortcomings on you. This will come in handy even if you are not a parent and don’t plan to be because –v whether we like it or not – we are impactful individuals, and even if our time here is temporary, our impact will carry on for longer after we have passed on. We have relationships outside of our families with other people, and most importantly we have our inner personal relationship that dictates our own happiness & felicity.

When we shift focus to our parents’ sacrifices, praiseworthy aspects and give thanks as the Qur’an orders the believers to do, we’ll experience a lot more tranquility. Remaining patient in the face of some disagreements or disagreeing respectfully, trying to maintain close ties with them and even helping our parents (physically as well as spiritually) is not always easy but it’s not necessarily meant to be. If not physically, it can take a mental toll but remember Allah’s pleasure and that this is a means of drawing nearer to Him. Attaining their pleasure is attaining the pleasure of God, and even when we have tried really hard and they do not seem appreciative, remember ash-Shakur, the Most Appreciative.

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Spirituality, in the Kitchen

Intention is an integral part of Islamic practice. In the first hadith that is mentioned in Imam Nawawi’s famous compilation of 40 hadiths, the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ is narrated to have said: ‘Actions are only by their intentions.’

As a general rule, obligatory religious acts require a specific intention (such as what time of prayer is about to be offered) whereas voluntary religious acts can have multiple intentions. Without intending ritual prayer, one’s prayer is not valid. Likewise in some schools of thought, taking ritual ablution requires intention. When fasting in Ramadhan, one must intend to fast prior to the entrance of dawn. As for voluntary acts of worship, for example, one can intend to offer two voluntary rak’ahs of prayer to show gratitude towards Allah, for a safe & blessed day and for forgiveness. Likewise, any act in our daily lives outside of obligatory religious acts can be carried out with a multitude of meaningful intentions. Islam is not simply the five pillars. Intentions add meaning to our lives. We can eat simply to be satiated, or we can begin to eat by mindfully reciting the Basmala, with our right hand to follow the Sunnah, with thankfulness and with the intention that we will use the energy provided by this meal to carry out good. What a big difference.

As a stay-at-home mother of two, I try to be mindful of what my intentions (or goals, really) are in many decisions I take in my daily life. However, because a big portion of my daily routine is spent in the kitchen, there’s a lot of intentionality that goes on inside this small space. Intentionality can be applied to any part of your daily routine, so if the kitchen is not your primary hub, you may still apply this to other parts of your life.

I know that spending long hours everyday in the kitchen, or tidying up, raising children from the morning till the evening (and in the middle of the night), being at everyone’s service, can sometimes have you question whether you’re doing anything meaningful or not. At least I’ve been there. This seemingly never-ending house work that keeps repeating itself every time you think you’re done with a chore. I am all for getting help as needed and taking a break every now and then. However, on your day-to-day life, intentionality will keep you from the unhealthy & deceptive feeling that you’re not doing anything worthwhile.

I didn’t want to keep this post long and I feel it’s already gotten long so I am going to jump right into some actions you can implement in your cooking area! I want to just begin by mentioning wudhu (ablution; ritual purity). Only Allah knows all the merits of being in a state of wudhu and its reality, but it clearly holds an important place as per the hadith of the Prophet where he describes angels accompanying the person who goes to sleep in a state of ritual purity until he awakes. I understand the difficulty this may bring, especially for mothers who barely have time to go to the bathroom, let alone take their time to take wudhu when it’s not prayer time but I urge you to try to at least implement it for some meals, with mindfulness, that you are intending to cook with wudhu and intend for the benefits of this state to manifest in your food. If you follow me on Instagram, you know that I’ve been baking my family’s bread for the last few months now. Ever since I began, I try my very best to remain in a state of wudhu while feeding my sourdough starter, kneading the dough and baking the bread. I try to remain in this way when I do my other cooking, as well as while eating. Ladies who are on their moon cycle may consider taking a symbolic wudhu, with the intention of receiving the spiritual benefits of wudhu without resuming ritual acts of worship. In addition to having wudhu, I recite al-Fatiha while I stir my sourdough starter during a feed, or salawat while cooking as I remember, and when I bake a bread for a friend or cook a meal for my family, I intend for that food to bring healing, physical as well as spiritual wellbeing and give thanks for it. If you believe in spirituality, you most likely understand how our feelings and energy can have a strong impact on what they are directed at. While cooking, whether just for yourself or for others, avoid all unhealthy thoughts and feelings to the best of your ability. If you find your mind roaming to undesirable territory, try to refocus and renew your intentions. Trust me, you don’t want yourself or your loved ones to eat food that was prepared with negative energy. (Who knows what state meals might have been prepared in in restaurants!). Try to include Prophetic foods in your diet. I highly suggest Zainab Ismail if you want some ideas and inspiration on how to do just that, very easily. Learn about the sunnan of eating and implement them with the intention of following the Prophet’s way. He ﷺ did not pick certain foods or eat a certain way simply out of desire but because they are superior and better for us.

As a side note: if you feel like you can’t focus in the kitchen for the life of you, consider what state the kitchen might be in when you’re trying to make a meal. Is it unorganized, cluttered, and you don’t know where is what? Maybe that’s a good place to start!

For the stay-at-home mom… If you are in charge of your kitchen, you are actually in charge of your family’s wellbeing. Your spiritual state in this territory will impact the physical & spiritual wellbeing of your spouse, children and/or other family members. The meal cooked with love, du’a and with mindful intentions will nourish your family and so, their accomplishments within their own duties and responsibilities will be connected to the nourishment you are providing them with. That’s a big and praiseworthy role, if you ask me. So next time (and if ever) you feel down about ‘wasting’ ‘all your time’ in the kitchen, think of this.

IMG_1011
Sourdough Einkorn Bread

 

I hope & intend that you find benefit in this post!

 

 

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Week One of Ramadan 2017

We are already on day 8 of this year’s Islamic lunar month of Ramadan. Before I get to the real purpose of my post which is sharing how my experience has been fasting while pregnant for the first time, I would like to write a little about what Ramadan is about. Even if you’re not a Muslim, you have likely heard of this holy month that is welcomed by most Muslims with much joy. The month of Ramadan is when the first verses of the Qur’an were revealed to the final Prophet of Islam, Muhammad ﷺ. During Ramadan, Muslims observe the fast incumbent upon every Muslim who has reached the age of accountability, and who is physically able to do so. The fast begins at what they call true dawn which is the Fajr prayer time, before sunrise, and ends at sunset (Maghrib prayer time). There are two other prayer times in-between Fajr and Maghrib. The fast excludes all liquids and solids, including water. Obviously the days are shorter in colder seasons and the fasts tend to be easier and vice versa during the warmer seasons.

Instead of arguing about whether fasting is a wise choice for Muslim women during pregnancy or not, I’m going to direct you to this link because again, my purpose is not that. I think the wisest choice is for a woman to listen to her body, whether that tells her to fast or not. I find fear mongering pregnant/nursing women that their baby will be harmed if they chose to fast is just as bad as making a woman feel like they must fast while pregnant/nursing.

Last year during Ramadan I knew I wasn’t even going to try fasting because the weather was very hot and I was nursing on demand a 2 month old who didn’t receive any nourishment other than my milk. I asked some friends who tried fasting while nursing older babies (one 6 month old and one 10 month old) and they also told me they tried but had a very hard time. This year as we approached Ramadan, I was still nursing my one year old a few times a day and I happened to be pregnant. So initially I didn’t give it much thought and told myself I was not going to fast. However one day a doula/midwife sister on a Facebook group dedicated to Muslim pregnant ladies asked us what our plans were for this Ramadan. One of the pregnant ladies said she would be fasting while nursing 20 month old twins 2-3 times a day and at 8 months pregnant. She showed so much enthusiasm and even shared her little tip (drinking the juice of half a watermelon every night which she did back when she was fasting last year while nursing the twins at around 8 months old). Others said they would try and fast as many days as possible. So at that point I thought I really should at least intend to try fasting and see how it went and if my body told me I couldn’t handle it, I would stop. Before Ramadan came, I weaned my daughter. So now I was left with the pregnancy and the uncertainty of what fasting would be like while chasing and caring for a mini human. Just a note, I am currently 17 weeks pregnant and therefore in my second trimester.

So the first day of Ramadan turned out wonderful and much easier than I anticipated. It was very encouraging so I decided I would continue. I didn’t have any dizziness during the day. I slept a couple of hours before suhoor the night before (suhoor is the meal that we have just before dawn to prepare us for the day ahead) and woke up about 40 minutes before dawn. My husband and I had a light breakfast style meal. We waited for dawn, prayed, and then I went to bed again until my daughter woke up. In the morning I did the usual and actually a little more than I typically feel like I have time for. I fed her breakfast, organized the kitchen if it needed any organizing, did some yoga, did the laundry, read some Qur’an, took a short walk to the grocery store, took a nap with my daughter, prepared dinner and some walnut stuffed buttery dates for iftar as well as for our next door neighbors. We never met and I thought this was a nice occasion to greet them and congratulate them for the beginning of Ramadan. Our daughter did us a favor and slept without much hassle before sunset so I had the pleasure of sitting down to break my fast peacefully with my husband without any distractions. The moment of thoughtfully sipping on water and biting into a date after a long day of fasting, I wish everyone could experience that at least once in their lifetime. You feel the water rush through and quench your entire body.

Came day number 2, and this time my daughter didn’t sleep until after the call for the Maghrib prayer. That was super annoying and I kept thinking of how I wanted to experience that great feeling at iftar like I did the previous day. I only say this because I had a thought during these few minutes that maybe is worth mentioning. Well, first of all, I was probably easily irritated because it was a long day, I was tired and looked forward to breaking my fast. But I wanted to convince myself that this was really not that big of a deal and I should be thankful that I even have such a lovely child that I am able to put to sleep. A dear friend of mine had advised me to picture a beautiful image (of a flower, for example) and imagine that I become one with that image in moments of frustration. I found that even just imagining something beautiful, at that moment wisteria, was soothing enough because gazing at beauty gladdens the soul. The rest of the days of the first week varied, some days more challenging than others with putting the little one to sleep before sunset. We did end up keeping her up one of the days till after we broke our fast and she still took forever to fall asleep later and so that choice didn’t make things much easier. Some parents decide to flip around their kid’s schedule where they’ll have them sleep later in the night and wake up later in the day so that the parent can get enough rest as Ramadan nights tend to be lively and fasting folk may choose to rest for longer in the mornings. I did that last year even though I wasn’t fasting just to fit my husband’s schedule but I chose not to this year. Anyway. After day 3, generally speaking, the fast got even easier as the body adjusted.

As a final word, it’s important that a fasting person does not push their physical limits. I normally wouldn’t take naps with my daughter during her nap time but during Ramadan, I think the nap really helps me re-energize mid-day so it’s an important adjustment. Make sure you rest, enjoy this spiritually uplifting time, and nourish & hydrate yourself after sunset.

I hope everyone including mamas who weren’t able to fast still benefit from this blessed month and feel the spiritual benefits it brings forth.

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