Tag: islamic parenting

Eleven & a half years on

I saw this viral video a couple of times, a Kurdish family, the daughter is surprising her parents with deciding to wear hijab. It seems, from the few words her father uttered, that there was initially a dispute, or that the daughter struggled before finally deciding to veil. The parents are emotional, the mother is crying & praising God, and I found myself getting goosebumps and tearing up too.

This is so different from my personal experience when I decided to wear the hijab, a few months after graduating from high school. I always imagined that I would eventually veil, but I didn’t expect it to be as soon as starting university. Alhamdulillah, the last minute decision to enroll in an Islamic Sciences faculty in Istanbul where boys and girls were split and 99% of the girls were veiled made it a natural decision. I was already wearing it on my first week before classes, while strolling through the different neighborhoods, hopping on and off buses, and getting lost a couple of times.

I am sure a lot of girls who decide to wear the hijab are often told that they are not ready for it. That was precisely my experience. I struggled a lot in the first year because societal pressure was so clearly felt every time I visited Cyprus, with no encouragement from my closest ones. Come to think of it now, my parents were dealing with other things. I was not really on their radar and list of priorities, to help their eldest daughter try to fit in to a problematic society better without having to sacrifice a religious obligation she was trying to maintain. My father did once acknowledge the struggle, when I attended a relative’s wedding with him and I was the only one wearing the hijab in addition to an old Turkish teyze sitting on the other end of the ballroom. I will never forget that.

I felt so free in Istanbul, switching between two simple abayas and wrapping around my matching black scarf, not having to think twice what anyone would say or think, and then coming to Cyprus — an island where visibly practicing Muslims at least at the time could be counted on one hand — not knowing what to wear to stand out less, how to react at the sight of an old classmate and how to answer the questions of prejudiced islanders and uncultured relatives.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

My daughter is turning 8 in about two weeks. Some time ago, we were rushing out to her karate class and she decided to walk out with her instant hijab. I caught myself telling her that she should take it off. I stopped in my tracks at the realization that I was projecting the remnants of my own insecurities onto her. I quickly changed my tone and told her she could wear it to class, not allowing my own insecurities to taint her innocence and self-esteem. No one said anything to her in class, and she took it off anyway 5 minutes into their warm up, and we continued our day as normal with none of my personal trauma being passed on. I know that when she reaches the age of accountability, I will be encouraging her in her hijab journey, helping her work through any concerns related to self-esteem. I will help her style her hijab and pick out appropriate yet appealing outfits.* How could I discourage a command from Allah, a sunnah of the daughters and wives of our Prophet, if we believe it to be as such?

I think there is this underlying assumption especially when it comes to the hijab, that there are things we have to do before we wear the hijab. My spiritual journey did not conclude on the day I decided to veil for good. I did not all of a sudden become the best version of me. Likewise, when we pray our fardh prayers, we are not on cloud nine every single time. We have to be actively mindful, at every prayer time, that we are standing and prostrating to the Most High, renewing our covenant with Him. It is a struggle. Even though I don’t struggle with self-image nearly as much as when I first decided to veil 11 & a half years ago, I still have to proactively avoid getting influenced by social media (including what are called hijabi influencers), the desire to ‘make a statement’, and regularly renew my intentions as to why I am observing hijab. In addition, I have to be mindful that I am a representative and my actions need to be in line with what I am aiming to represent.

Similarly to Salaah, it is fair to say that, when done with the right intentions and mindfulness, covering our ‘awrah and observing the hijab will protect us from prohibited acts. It will not happen overnight, but it will be helpful, especially if we are not discouraged because we aren’t yet saints doing everything else we should be doing or 60 years old. Hijab is not the cherry on top.

One piece of advice that I think personally has helped me in my journey is that when I am feeling creative, surrounding myself with righteous people, doing acts of service, reading frequently and doing other things that I love doing, I feel less concerned about what my looks will mean to the outside world. Because I feel mentally and spiritually empowered, I don’t seek empowerment by other means that would interfere in proper hijab. For all my sisters struggling with the hijab, remember that you are doing it for the sake of the Most High. When you look in the mirror as you are covering, believe that what you are doing is beautiful because it is for a higher purpose.

* Even though our daughter is not yet at the age of accountability and does not need to wear the hijab, we are still mindful of what she wears, avoiding revealing and tight clothing, as a means of protection for her and also to make veiling easier for her once it will be expected of her.

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Gratitude & Breaking the Parenting Cycle

Beautiful Islamic Calligraphy by Turkish calligrapher Hanifi Dursun (Instagram @hanifidursunn); ”Heaven lies at the feet of your mothers.” — Prophet Muhammad ﷺ

In the Qur’an, in Surah Luqman verse 14, we are enjoined to give thanks to God, and to give thanks to our parents immediately thereafter. It is as though they go hand in hand.

Some of us are blessed with supportive, truly loving parents who tried, to the best of their ability and knowledge at the time, to raise us as balanced, righteous individuals. We felt their genuine love & protection and no amount of due thanks is sufficient. On the other hand, some others may not have felt the same amount of love and support, while others are neglected, guilt tripped, black mailed, manipulated, and even abused, emotionally or physically, by the very people who were responsible for their protection & nurturing. I can’t speak for those individuals as I can’t understand their pain, nor am I a counsellor. All I can say is that one thing is clear; they were not in any way responsible for their mistreatment.

Even with parents, we have to set boundaries if there is harm involved. In Islam, respect to parents and their good pleasure is invaluable but this does not include obedience in things that are forbidden in the religion and therefore displeasing to God, and it does not include unhealthy relationship dynamics that hurt you in any shape or form. It has to be solved, either through honest dialogue or through distancing and protecting yourself if there is no other alternative. For people who have had severely hurtful experiences, I pray to God that He nurtures your heart with His love and care and fills it with serenity. Some things you may consider doing is reading His 99 Names and reflecting on their meanings. He is our true Guardian, Giver of Peace, Bestower of Favours, the Most Appreciative, the Most Loving and Gentle, our Guide. Send abundant salawat (prayers) on the Prophet Muhammad, who cared about us before he could meet us more than anyone you can imagine, and reflect on how with every salawat we draw nearer to him & we receive tons of blessings. Reflect on what those blessings could be.. protection, healing, peace. Our Prophet cares deeply for each and every one of us. He prayed for us at each prayer. Your salawat on him is a means of prayer for him and just like praying for anyone else brings you closer to that person, praying on the Prophet brings you closer to him.

Going back to most relationships with parents, even with healthier dynamics, we’ll have clashes from time to time. We are unique individuals from different generations. There may be generational trauma that your parents carried with them and things they may have gone through that will inevitably reflect on you. In the Book of Assistance, Imam al-Haddad cautions parents to be easy on their children. If we are parents ourselves, we need to reflect on how we can form a healthier, safer bond with our children without driving them away and without abusing our rights over them. Reflect on your upbringing and use it as a tool to do better yourself, to improve yourself, and to break the cycle instead of putting all your energy towards blaming your parents for their shortcomings and the impacts of those shortcomings on you. This will come in handy even if you are not a parent and don’t plan to be because –v whether we like it or not – we are impactful individuals, and even if our time here is temporary, our impact will carry on for longer after we have passed on. We have relationships outside of our families with other people, and most importantly we have our inner personal relationship that dictates our own happiness & felicity.

When we shift focus to our parents’ sacrifices, praiseworthy aspects and give thanks as the Qur’an orders the believers to do, we’ll experience a lot more tranquility. Remaining patient in the face of some disagreements or disagreeing respectfully, trying to maintain close ties with them and even helping our parents (physically as well as spiritually) is not always easy but it’s not necessarily meant to be. If not physically, it can take a mental toll but remember Allah’s pleasure and that this is a means of drawing nearer to Him. Attaining their pleasure is attaining the pleasure of God, and even when we have tried really hard and they do not seem appreciative, remember ash-Shakur, the Most Appreciative.

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