Mothering & Resistance

Bismillah.

My youngest turned two last weekend, alhamdulillah. I remember when my eldest turned seven last year, and we’re told that there are some critical years in a person’s life. Like their first three years, and how safe and loved they were made to feel in those years, and also the first seven years. And I recall watching her from a distance with gratitude filling my heart, that she was completing her seven years as a wholesome child. I find myself feeling thankful once again that my youngest is now two and is already forming full sentences, understands three languages, has opinions of her own, and is just the blossom of our family.

Reflecting on all these blessings made me want to share a few things:

~ Motherhood will be one of the most triggering experiences. It will bring out your most vulnerable states, the ugly truths, day in and day out. Unlike other testing relationships, it won’t be as easy not to face those truths, to simply cut off the relationship and run away. We cannot simply leave our children. Either, we end up hurting our children, intentionally or not, or we decide to face those truths and take it as an opportunity to transform ourselves for the sake of our own good as well as that of our children. Whether we accept it or not, we are role models for our children, and we can’t simply hope that our children will have good role models without first implementing those desirable attributes in our own lives. The aim is not to reach perfection. We are human, we err and we have to recognize and reconcile with that. What we need to do though is be conscious in our actions. Are we trying our best to live up to what we want our children to learn and implement? Or are we going to just wait for their school or someone else to take care of that?

~ The level of violence and violations we have been witnessing on our mobile phones should not prevent us from fulfilling our responsibilities towards our children. Our commitment to raising them to be as healthy as possible in mind, body and soul is an act of resistance in itself. If we believe that we are part of one nation, the ummah, we are in this together and this is a collective struggle. Of course we must still extend our support to brothers & sisters in Gaza and elsewhere, whether it’s in terms of financial support, sharing their messages, speaking out against oppressors and simply making du’a. We need to not forget for a moment that we are a part of the same body. But we must not lose sight of our duties, for the sake of the ummah. We know who benefits from us being in a dysfunctional state. Not the ummah. Our relationship with Allah, purification of the heart, maintaining silat ar-rahm (womb ties; family ties), helping those in need in our immediate vicinities, our dedication to raising empathetic, principled, disciplined, unapologetic Muslim children despite all the pushback from society, from left and right, sometimes even from our own family is our resistance to this oppression (a little side tangent: the word for oppression in Arabic is dhulm ظلم and the Arabic word for darkness shares the same root as oppression — darkness doesn’t exist on its own but it is a lack of something else i.e. light, and oppression is when there is no adherence to truth and justice. The further one is away from truth, mercy and justice amongst other qualities, the closer they are to being in a state of oppression in its different levels.)

The way we raise our children and how much we work on ourselves & our relationship with our Lord is a significant part of our role in this collective liberation. This reminds me of something I often think about… most of the Prophets peace and blessings be upon them all challenged the status quo, the norms of the society they were sent to. The Qur’an informs us that there has been no messenger except that he was mocked, and they never sought out a reward in response to their call. So I don’t know if there ever will be a time where some form of resistance is not required of us. It is a lifelong struggle, and if there is no outside force, there will always be an internal force, that which lies within ourselves. Renew your intentions every day. Insert an intention for the sake of Allah even in the most mundane acts. Remind yourself of our Master Muhammad ﷺ and his concern for us.

~ This last point took me a while to put into words as I was struggling to get my point across. I still think it could have been better put, but I hope it makes sense overall.

Raising children is demanding and children themselves are demanding. So naturally, we want to meet those demands and pay attention to every detail, trying to perform at peak level, whether it relates to their eating, sleeping, getting physical activity, education. You name it. It’s endless and constant, and sometimes feels discouraging when you don’t feel like there is enough acknowledgement of your sacrifices, all that thought and time that goes into everything. And we know that children need attention, and we tie their need for attention with how we are meeting their demands. What truly nurtures them though, is individual, undivided attention, and truly being present with them, even for as little as 20-30 minutes a day. We are present with them through other daily activities, obviously. Especially homeschooling parents are with their children throughout most of the day. What I mean is conscious presence. Truly connecting with them in a present state. Locking eyes with them, hearing them out without rushing them, giving them a heartfelt hug, playing a game, wrestling with them. And most importantly, making du’a for them, inwardly as well as out loud. These are the moments that will stick with them for the rest of their lives.

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Spirituality, in the Kitchen

Intention is an integral part of Islamic practice. In the first hadith that is mentioned in Imam Nawawi’s famous compilation of 40 hadiths, the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ is narrated to have said: ‘Actions are only by their intentions.’

As a general rule, obligatory religious acts require a specific intention (such as what time of prayer is about to be offered) whereas voluntary religious acts can have multiple intentions. Without intending ritual prayer, one’s prayer is not valid. Likewise in some schools of thought, taking ritual ablution requires intention. When fasting in Ramadhan, one must intend to fast prior to the entrance of dawn. As for voluntary acts of worship, for example, one can intend to offer two voluntary rak’ahs of prayer to show gratitude towards Allah, for a safe & blessed day and for forgiveness. Likewise, any act in our daily lives outside of obligatory religious acts can be carried out with a multitude of meaningful intentions. Islam is not simply the five pillars. Intentions add meaning to our lives. We can eat simply to be satiated, or we can begin to eat by mindfully reciting the Basmala, with our right hand to follow the Sunnah, with thankfulness and with the intention that we will use the energy provided by this meal to carry out good. What a big difference.

As a stay-at-home mother of two, I try to be mindful of what my intentions (or goals, really) are in many decisions I take in my daily life. However, because a big portion of my daily routine is spent in the kitchen, there’s a lot of intentionality that goes on inside this small space. Intentionality can be applied to any part of your daily routine, so if the kitchen is not your primary hub, you may still apply this to other parts of your life.

I know that spending long hours everyday in the kitchen, or tidying up, raising children from the morning till the evening (and in the middle of the night), being at everyone’s service, can sometimes have you question whether you’re doing anything meaningful or not. At least I’ve been there. This seemingly never-ending house work that keeps repeating itself every time you think you’re done with a chore. I am all for getting help as needed and taking a break every now and then. However, on your day-to-day life, intentionality will keep you from the unhealthy & deceptive feeling that you’re not doing anything worthwhile.

I didn’t want to keep this post long and I feel it’s already gotten long so I am going to jump right into some actions you can implement in your cooking area! I want to just begin by mentioning wudhu (ablution; ritual purity). Only Allah knows all the merits of being in a state of wudhu and its reality, but it clearly holds an important place as per the hadith of the Prophet where he describes angels accompanying the person who goes to sleep in a state of ritual purity until he awakes. I understand the difficulty this may bring, especially for mothers who barely have time to go to the bathroom, let alone take their time to take wudhu when it’s not prayer time but I urge you to try to at least implement it for some meals, with mindfulness, that you are intending to cook with wudhu and intend for the benefits of this state to manifest in your food. If you follow me on Instagram, you know that I’ve been baking my family’s bread for the last few months now. Ever since I began, I try my very best to remain in a state of wudhu while feeding my sourdough starter, kneading the dough and baking the bread. I try to remain in this way when I do my other cooking, as well as while eating. Ladies who are on their moon cycle may consider taking a symbolic wudhu, with the intention of receiving the spiritual benefits of wudhu without resuming ritual acts of worship. In addition to having wudhu, I recite al-Fatiha while I stir my sourdough starter during a feed, or salawat while cooking as I remember, and when I bake a bread for a friend or cook a meal for my family, I intend for that food to bring healing, physical as well as spiritual wellbeing and give thanks for it. If you believe in spirituality, you most likely understand how our feelings and energy can have a strong impact on what they are directed at. While cooking, whether just for yourself or for others, avoid all unhealthy thoughts and feelings to the best of your ability. If you find your mind roaming to undesirable territory, try to refocus and renew your intentions. Trust me, you don’t want yourself or your loved ones to eat food that was prepared with negative energy. (Who knows what state meals might have been prepared in in restaurants!). Try to include Prophetic foods in your diet. I highly suggest Zainab Ismail if you want some ideas and inspiration on how to do just that, very easily. Learn about the sunnan of eating and implement them with the intention of following the Prophet’s way. He ﷺ did not pick certain foods or eat a certain way simply out of desire but because they are superior and better for us.

As a side note: if you feel like you can’t focus in the kitchen for the life of you, consider what state the kitchen might be in when you’re trying to make a meal. Is it unorganized, cluttered, and you don’t know where is what? Maybe that’s a good place to start!

For the stay-at-home mom… If you are in charge of your kitchen, you are actually in charge of your family’s wellbeing. Your spiritual state in this territory will impact the physical & spiritual wellbeing of your spouse, children and/or other family members. The meal cooked with love, du’a and with mindful intentions will nourish your family and so, their accomplishments within their own duties and responsibilities will be connected to the nourishment you are providing them with. That’s a big and praiseworthy role, if you ask me. So next time (and if ever) you feel down about ‘wasting’ ‘all your time’ in the kitchen, think of this.

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Sourdough Einkorn Bread

 

I hope & intend that you find benefit in this post!